23 Ron Swanson Facts I Made Up, But That Are Definitely True


Swanson kids don’t develop child tooth. They discover it wasteful.

1. For years, Ron went to Paunch Burger each week and compelled himself to place a sliced banana on his double bacon cheeseburger to maintain his potassium ranges up.

2. Ultimately, they created a particular menu merchandise for him named “The Swanson Cheeseburnana: Filled with Potassi-yum.”

three. Ron bodily eliminated the merchandise from the menu and by no means returned to Paunch Burger.

four. Throughout Diane’s closing ultrasound earlier than child John Swanson was born, the physician joked that it regarded just like the child had a mustache already. Ron defined that, sure, all Swanson are born with a full mustache that they lose earlier than rising their everlasting mustache round age 12, very like child tooth.

four. Nevertheless, Swanson kids don’t develop child tooth. They discover it wasteful.

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5. When Diane insisted Ivy and Zoe get iPhones for security causes, Ron took them to the Apple Retailer and refused to consult with any of the merchandise as something aside from “evil packing containers.”

6. After April and Andy had their first child, Ron took Andy on a weeklong getaway to show him primary survival abilities to guard his rising household. Andy forgot all his provides, together with his contact lenses.

7. The journey lasted two days, and ended when Ron walked into their tent and Andy mentioned, “Look, I discovered a misplaced pet,” and continued feeding Skittles to the newborn black bear in his sleeping bag.

eight. Ron took April on the identical journey a month later, and he or she is now better-equipped to outlive dystopia than Ron himself.

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9. For his or her 10th marriage ceremony anniversary, Ron and Diane went to Meals and Stuff, then visited the pothole he patched exterior her home once they first met.

10. Ron, by no means one for public shows of any emotion (however particularly affection), stunned Diane by pulling out his device belt and expertly carving their initials into the patched pothole.

11. Elon Musk as soon as tried to patent the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for a profitable amount of cash. Ron, arms crossed, declined with a single shake of his head.

12. When she hit highschool, Ivy briefly dated a classmate with a manbun. Ron refused to acknowledge any of this.

13. Ron consented to see a health care provider annually for an annual check-up. He was at all times in good well being, and the physician as soon as remarked that Ron’s hair gave the impression to be getting thicker with age, in some way.

14. Ron confirmed that Swanson males get thicker hair, denser bones, and better sperm depend as they age.

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15. Duke Silver was supplied a spot on his buddy Bruce Springsteen’s farewell tour, which he politely declined in favor of protecting his common spot on the native jazz membership.

16. Springsteen did, nevertheless, make an uncredited look on Duke’s first digital album, Silver Streams.

17. For Ben and Leslie’s 20th marriage ceremony anniversary, Duke Silver secretly requested his buddy Kenny Loggins to sing “Freeway to the Calzone Zone” on the social gathering.

18. For Ron’s [redacted] birthday, Leslie put collectively a 200-clue, 16-hour scavenger hunt throughout Pawnee that ended again at Ron’s cabin. Inside, Ron discovered a bottle of Lagavulin 16 Whisky and a scoop of rum raisin ice cream from Baskin-Robbins.

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19. Ron led the Pawnee Nationwide Park Rangers till his [redacted] birthday, when he retired to a cabin in an undisclosed location inside the park’s bounds with Diane.

20. When Ron introduced his retirement, the rangers erected a statue in his honor. Sadly, it stored being mysteriously torn down.

21. Ron was the one tearing it down, as a result of “authorities tributes are a useless waste of taxpayers’ cash.”

22. On the finish of his final day, Ron didn’t say goodbye to anybody. The rangers discovered a home made canoe on the lake's shore with the message “Paddle on” carved on the facet.

23. They put canoe up the place the statue had been, and it nonetheless stands to at the present time.

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